RASCALS, ROGUES, & RAPSCALLIONS
2001 MASS CHALLENGE
DAVID A. CURRIE
Discovering that the ante-centenary of my birth, August 6, 1859, had the misfortune of falling on a Saturday, a day lacking the kind of commercial or political activities that make for interesting news, I almost despaired of rising to meet this first Mass Challenge for Lair No. 3 of RR&R.
I confess that I even considered fudging the date of a report of the arrest "a few days ago" of one, Elijah Bowen, "pretended preacher, who has been going about the country stealing horses and wagons,…probably the most extensive and successful horse-thief, and the most sanctimonious and hypocritical scoundrel in the world." But, having been informed by Dan that members of the cloth who might be scandalized –or given unhelpful suggestions!-- by such a story would be present, and believing that a Rascal is only as good as his word, I will stick to the only story that I can certify occurred exactly on the date specified in our Mass Challenge instructions.
Alas, that is an account of a "Temperance Mass Meeting Near Newtown." 1200-1500 gathered in Buckman’s woods under the auspices of the "Peoples Temperance Association of Bucks County," who "have gone bravely to work to roll back the waves of drunkenness which seem to have almost unbroken sway, and start anew the temperance reform … encouraging habits of sobriety and total abstinence from intoxicating liquors." Apparently folk in our area were in need of quite a bit of encouragement, for it was claimed that "In Bucks County it was almost impossible to get a jury to convict a tavern keeper for violating the liquor law."…at least some things haven’t changed in 141 years!
Why was this sorry state of affairs the case if such a sizable percentage of the county’s population attended this mass meeting?!… Well, the account does admit that a "large proportion" of those in attendance were women. And where were the good men of Bucks County, you might ask?!… The account does not say, but I would surmise that they were most probably serving on juries –an exclusively male privilege at that time, drinking in taverns, attending a meeting such as this at some Victorian precursor to the RR&R, or some combination of the three!
What was a lady to do?!… Sing, of course! What better way to expose liquor’s lies to the besotted brains of muddled men than with the feminine lips that once sang them lullabies!
While I have no direct evidence of exactly what was sung at that mass temperance meeting a century before my natal day, careful reconstruction suggests that it would probably have gone something like this:
[to the tune of the W.C.T.U (Women’s Christian Temperance Union) "Fight" Song]
Chorus: Away, away with rum, by gum!
Away, away with rum, by gum! Away, away with rum, by gum! That’s the song of the Temperance Union! 1) We’re coming, we’re coming our brave little band! On the right side of temperance, we do take our stand! We don’t chew tobacco because we do think! Oh, Oh, Oh! That people who chew it are likely to drink! Chorus: 2) We never eat cookies ‘cause cookies have yeast! And one little bite turns a man to a beast! Oh, can you imagine the utter disgrace Oh, Oh, Oh! Of a man in the gutter with crumbs on his face! Chorus:
And what the good ladies of Bucks County have sung if we could transport them through time to this evening’s festivities?! Let me suggest these two additional verses:
3) We don’t like Bucks County because it is so, That a man can get sozzled and just be let go! The judges and juries could drive us to drink! Oh, Oh, Oh! But then they would surely put us in the klink! Chorus: 4) And now to our county there comes a new bane, They call themselves Rascals & they’re true to their name! They smoke and they drink, but what’s really the pits! Oh, Oh, Oh! Is that we cannot join them; they don’t let in chicks! Chorus:
1st Quarter 2001 -- Lair No. 3
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